Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Sack cloth and ashes.

Very very clean sack cloth, and invisable ashes... So when I went to the doctors today, I had to strip down and put this paper thing on. My hair is messed up from the scarf :P anyway, I've been thinking a lot about God lately, and our relationship, so this is really a thought post.

A few years ago, I believe I was mildly depressed for a short period of time. Why? You ask, as most believe it impossible for somebody who is filled with joy in Christ. Because I was having a "faith lapse" no, not the kind where I didn't believe in God, or I doubted he was real. I'm talking about believing in God heart and soul but not believing that I truely loved him, and thinking that I was damned to hell, and finding it impossible that God could ever love me. I felt like the only reason I wanted to be a Christian was because I didn't want to go to hell, I just wanted the benifits of heaven. And then I had a crazy thought:
" I can't be saved, but I need to tell as many people as I can so that they will be saved."
1. obviously I can't save anyone
2. I'm saved.
How? You ask, well I started really thinking about it. Hell is more then just fire. Hell is the fire without the prayer. Without the praise, without the encouragement. If my house was burning down I could pray. If my house was burning down I could priase the Lord. If my house was burning down and me and my sister were going to die no matter what, I could hug my sister close to me, and we could die in each others arms, wispering prays.

In hell? Full and total seperation from Christ. FULL AND TOTAL. Never feeling comfort again. I think I could bear the weeping and nashing of teeth. The torchor. I couldn't live with out taking comfort in Christ. I couldn't live without the hope that is with in me. And so I would be eternaling dying. Which is why we call that the second death.



  1. u know, i understand how you feel
    i'm buddhism, i also think about hell :(
    but i know that i have to do everyday be my best. make my present be good and don't mess up around :)

    anyway i like that paper things
    it's can be fashion trend someday :D

  2. of course you are loved :) I love your honest thoughts on growing up and coming into your faith, having doubts about anything, is wholly human. I'm glad you found your way again :) Love the Doctor's Office fashion show.